Nine years ago I stood motionless during worship at church. It was September 12, 2004. The worship leader was singing the song Agnus Dei. It's a fairly simple song with few words. I had heard it a million times before, but today was different. The worship leader kept repeating the line "worthy is the Lamb" over and over. I'm sure it wasn't for too long, but in my mind it went on for 30 minutes. During that time the Lord was speaking to my heart as I was listening to the lyrics being repeated. He said, "If all I ever did for you was die on the cross, is that enough?". Of course, I quickly responded in my mind that it was enough. But He didn't let it go that easily. He kept asking. And asking. And asking. That's why I was standing motionless that day. I had to honestly answer that question before I could go forward with my life. It's as if the worship leader knew that he, too, must stay and wait in this moment as well. My mind was filled with all the things that I thought I needed, and wanted. Could I really say that Christ's death on the cross was all I truly needed in life? It seemed as though the question was less about material processions and more about how I viewed God. Would He still be good if all He provided was eternal life through the death of His Son? If everything He did after that moment seemed like suffering would His provision of life be enough? I had to answer this question. Did I really believe that He was enough? Finally, I answered yes. It was as though I was accepting something being handed to me, though I had no idea what. Although I didn't fully comprehend what the Lord was doing in that moment, I knew it was important that I start this process of seeing Him as enough. Two days later, I found out I had cancer.
So often I fear that something bad may happen. I get nervous, feel the fear take over, and start worrying. In those moments I prepare myself for something horrible and assume that God is about to throw down the hammer on me. But He doesn't work that way. Instead, He prepares us for suffering through His gentleness. I wasn't afraid that day, nine years ago. I was empowered with new faith and courage. It was as though the Lord opened a door to a room I had never entered before. He was with me. Beside me. Taking care of me. That's what He did before allowing me to hear bad news. Of course, hearing that I had cancer brought me to my knees as my entire world began to spin around me. Yet, the anchor of truth He gave me two days before held me firm. Yes, it was hard and difficult. Yes, I had bad days filled with doubt and fear. Yes, I was sick and tired and miserable some days. And yes, I learned that His provision of life truly was enough. It was. It is.
It can be so hard to remember that God owes me nothing. I do not deserve nice things, an easy life, or freedom from pain. Gratefulness is not a word I should offer to the Lord each morning in a prayer. It is an attitude that should permeate my entire lifestyle. This life is temporary. Suffering happens. But, if He chooses to only give eternal life that's a greater gift than I'll ever deserve. I have seen over and over that He gives wonderful gifts each and every day, though. He blesses beyond my comprehension. He's a good God. I'm trying to remember this truth as I pass through...
Copyright © Rachel D. Butler and Only Passing Through. All Rights Reserved.
So often I fear that something bad may happen. I get nervous, feel the fear take over, and start worrying. In those moments I prepare myself for something horrible and assume that God is about to throw down the hammer on me. But He doesn't work that way. Instead, He prepares us for suffering through His gentleness. I wasn't afraid that day, nine years ago. I was empowered with new faith and courage. It was as though the Lord opened a door to a room I had never entered before. He was with me. Beside me. Taking care of me. That's what He did before allowing me to hear bad news. Of course, hearing that I had cancer brought me to my knees as my entire world began to spin around me. Yet, the anchor of truth He gave me two days before held me firm. Yes, it was hard and difficult. Yes, I had bad days filled with doubt and fear. Yes, I was sick and tired and miserable some days. And yes, I learned that His provision of life truly was enough. It was. It is.
It can be so hard to remember that God owes me nothing. I do not deserve nice things, an easy life, or freedom from pain. Gratefulness is not a word I should offer to the Lord each morning in a prayer. It is an attitude that should permeate my entire lifestyle. This life is temporary. Suffering happens. But, if He chooses to only give eternal life that's a greater gift than I'll ever deserve. I have seen over and over that He gives wonderful gifts each and every day, though. He blesses beyond my comprehension. He's a good God. I'm trying to remember this truth as I pass through...
Copyright © Rachel D. Butler and Only Passing Through. All Rights Reserved.
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