I have tried to write a post about my cancer journey many times. Each time I end up hitting delete. I am never satisfied with how the journey looks on paper. I am never confident that anyone wants, or needs, to read about the details. Maybe it’s still too fresh, or maybe it’s just too stale. I don’t know. The only reason I am writing about it at all today is because I have hit a big milestone in the world of cancer – 10 years of being cancer free.

Ten years ago today I had a minor surgery (called a lumpectomy) to remove a small tumor. In a matter of minutes I went from having breast cancer to not having breast cancer. Of course, that was just the beginning. Chemo and radiation followed in the months to come. The journey had ups and downs, highs and lows, joy and pain. Some memories are good, some are not. However, I have come to the conclusion over the last 10 years that the details are not nearly as important as the lessons. The one for today – sometimes you get cancer.

I love hearing stories about people who are cured miraculously from disease. God can, and does, work powerfully in that way often. But, sometimes you get cancer. And guess what? God still works powerfully in the midst of disease! God’s power does not depend on your health. He is not more powerful if you are sick, or if you are not. He just is. Our circumstances change around the constant that is His power. When God does not change the medical chart to reflect good news, it’s ok. Not easy, not preferable, not fun… but ok.

So here I am, 10 years after my cancer diagnosis. I survived. It is not lost on me that so many other young women who also battled cancer are not around to write these words. Honestly, I hated cancer. I still do. I may never fully understand why cancer came into my life, but it honestly does not really matter. It did. God was not mean, He was not absent, He was not un-loving. He was gracious. Gracious. Bad things happen in this life. Our hope is not that things will get better, but that He will be with us. And He is… He was.

I’ve been curious to know what emotion I would experience today on this anniversary. Surprisingly, it is peace. I am looking back not at how hard life was 10 years ago. Instead, I am being reminded of God’s faithfulness, mercy, and grace. I am remembering the many family members and friends who walked with me through the hardest times. My husband was, and still is, everything I could have asked for in a companion. I am blessed. I was blessed 10 years ago, too. For you see, sometimes you get cancer. But, it’s going to be ok since we are only passing through…

This morning I watched video clips from the terrorist attacks that occurred 13 years ago today. All of my emotions from that day came to the surface - fear, disbelief, confusion, sadness. Like most people, I remember vividly the events of that otherwise beautiful Tuesday morning. I remember not understanding why there was only one Twin Tower on my TV screen. I remember watching the second tower fall. I remember my husband saying that we had just witnessed thousands of people dying. I remember that the circus was coming in town that morning by way of the train located outside our window in our downtown apartment. I watched in a fog as elephants, camels, horses, llamas, and other assorted animals walked down Riverside Drive as they got off the train. My brain could not reconcile the fun of circus animals walking down my street and the horror going on in my nation. 

In one of the videos I watched this morning from September 11, 2001 a firefighter was being interviewed right after one of the Twin Towers fell. He was covered in sot, out of breath, and clearly in shock. The reporter asked him how he managed to get out alive. His answer was "I just went towards the light." I just went towards the light. In the middle of death and destruction, I went towards the light. When darkness surrounded me and all hope seemed lost, I went towards the light.

Yes, the firefighter was talking about a physical light, but can you see how easy it is to turn this sentiment into a spiritual lesson?  However, be careful that you know exactly what, and Who, is this light. The Light is not just good feelings, good intentions, or basic goodness. The Light is not a passionate belief in a god watching out for you. The Light is not the love of friends and family. There is but one Light in this world. He has a name. He is the only hope for which we can go, the only salvation from which to be saved, and the only giver of meaning in this world. There is no comparison or equal. When fear takes over, when doubt starts to grow, when trouble comes your way... go towards the Light. I must remind myself daily of this truth. One day I will meet this Light face to face, but until then I'm only passing through...